Realizing Life

"Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" 

            -Emily, Our Town by Thorton Wilder

Ever since Amelia was born, I have been in a race against time, it seems. My kids have been growing up so quickly, and my mommy heart just breaks because I can't enjoy it as much as I want to, because it's over so fast. Recently, several events have triggered a near-panicky scramble to enjoy the journey now. 

First off, all of Katie's friends are starting kindergarten, and as I watched my friends put their kids on buses headed for school, I felt a lump rising in my throat. Next fall, it will be Katie's turn. And suddenly, I was so so so grateful she wasn't on that bus this fall. I only have one year with my little girl left before the great school journey begins. Now every time I see the school bus stop at our corner, I almost feel like it's the grim reaper. Seriously. It fills my heart with dread.

The second event is heart breaking. Our friends from BYU-Idaho days lost their little girl in an accident several weeks ago. As I have watched them deal with the almost unbearable amount of grief and sorrow, I have realized how much I take for granted. My little babies will not be here with me forever, so I've got to enjoy them now. All the every day things. Every minute, every minute.

Little Amelia darling is so big now. Yesterday I sat behind a woman holding a precious newborn, and I felt that longing for a soft little bundle. I don't know that I have ever really experienced that. I know most women are baby crazy, but I never really have been. I like babies, but I've never lost my senses about them. Until now. I think it's because I've realized that this phase of child bearing and rearing doesn't last forever, in fact, it will be over before I know it.

And Amelia is such a sweet baby. And I've enjoyed nursing her, and cuddling her, and teaching her new tricks. And most of all, I love just sitting and watching her. All her little movements. I love watching something catch her interest, and seeing those little eyebrows go up. I even enjoy her little temper flares that are ridiculously dramatic for one so little still. I am in love with her, and I am desperately trying my best to soak up every moment I have with her.

And Grace, since when does she say "That's not my kind of thing, Mom" or since when did she get big enough to be in dance? She is such a sweetheart. Such a loving, tender heart. We watched a movie not too long ago about an orphan boy. When the mom left the baby on the doorstep of the orphanage, Gracie bursts into tears, and still does if she remembers anything about that movie. I love hearing her pretend with her dolls and toys. Nothing is cuter than hearing her little voices that she makes up for her dolls. And when she tells me about her imaginary friend, Audrey, I nearly die. She's been telling me that Audrey and her family had to move to the stinky cheese woods. Don't ask me where she got that from because I have no idea.

Katie...I can hardly talk about Katie, because I feel like someone has stolen my little girl away from me and in her place is a big girl who astounds me with her knowledge and her ever thinking little brain. I love that girl of mine. She is smart, and I have never known any human being that tries as hard as she does. She sets her mind on something, and she will accomplish that. I adore that about her. Whether it's reading, tumbling, or riding her bike, she tries over and over and over again until she gets it. She teaches herself all sorts of things because of her persistence. So grateful she has that quality. And soooo grateful I have this next year with her. 

The every day moments are worth everything. I've been whipping out my camera to catch my girls snuggled on the couch together or playing in the backyard. I want to realize life while I am living it.